The Turkey's Vagina

I never truly considered myself to be a "homemaker" or even domesticated for that matter. Most of my adult life I spent most of my time building my businesses and focusing on my career. I rarely focused on home life at all. The few times I have it was because I was in committed relationships, and I felt I had to prove myself to my significant other. And I could count those instances on one hand, and the length of those relationships didn'nt last longer than a year.

A year ago, my life kind of got flipped upside down when I moved to Nashville to be with my countrified boyfriend. I am a through and through Los Angeles chick, and nothing proves it more than living my daily life in the South. I spent three years, before moving to Nashville, traveling the country on a whirlwind art and fashion tour. I lived nothing close to a normal life, and that's how I dig it. Most days I feel like a fish out of it's bowl here. I don't understand the culture and the culture doesn't understand me back.

In an attempt to revive my new and rare non-existent social life here in the dirty dirty South I decided to throw a Holiday Party with my new English roommate. I invited everyone I hardly knew and a few cool art chicks I do know in hopes of sparking some new friendships, and not spending all of my spare evenings in front of my laptop working on my next world takeover (which is exactly what I'm doing now).

My roommate had randomly been given a turkey from one of his part time jobs as a Thanksgiving gift, so we decided that I would make it for our Holiday party.

"Do you know how to cook a turkey?" He asks in his thick English accent. "Of course, I do," I reply, lying through my teeth. I had never in my life prepared and cooked a turkey nor did I have a desire to.

I figured all I would need is one phone call to my mom and I would be fine.

As I unwrapped the turkey I was already completely terrified and somewhat disgusted. It was so bald and clammy and white. I could hardly believe I was going to have to touch this thing let alone put my hand deep in it's crevice.

"Mom, what is this weird flap hanging off of the turkey's vagina?"

My mom hardly containing her laughter says, "Timmery, that's not the turkey's vagina, and that is the most flavorful part of the turkey. You need to open the turkey's legs and stick your hand in there and grab out the gizzards (or whatever grotesque word she used)."

Unconvinced, and feeling like a turkey rapist I begrudgingly forced the turkey's virgin legs open and stuck my quivering hand into it's black hole of a massive vagina, grabbing everything I could, as quick as I could, so this awful experience would end.

This is what I found (picture below). Only to discover later, that was not what I should have been looking for. My turkey vagina scavenger hunt was far from over.

My mom had told me that what I was digging for would be in a bag.....that little piece of nasty up there was in no bag. So I decided to flip my naked little bird up side down. Reaching my arm down her throat, this time. I finally found her other package of nasty quickly and violently tossing it as far away from me as I possibly could. Later finding it in my dogs mouth. The dirty job was finally complete. However, I was only semi-relieved. My worst fear was that I woud make this turkey and it would be dry or taste like shit and make my guests sick.

On to the next step. I washed Virgina's (that's what I've decided to name my turkey) vagina and placed her clammy little body in a cooking pan (lined with foil because I hate doing dishes). I lathered her up real nice with some oil inside and out and sprinkeled her with all kinds of seasonings. Most of which, I didn't even read the label. I just grabbed the first thing in my cupboard. Who really knows what it was?

I then, chopped up some onion, celery, and garlic in an attempt to give her hole a makeover. I stuffed as much as I could up there until she looked ready for a date. Her date being the oven and the mouths of very hungry men. I mean people.

I baked Virgina and her new fancy vagina for 4 1/2 hours at 350 degrees and she came out beautifully! Unforunately, I forgot to take an after photo so this will have to do....

She was a hit, and so was the party!!! Even Rocky (my pup) thought so.

This is what I learned: Never be scared to just reach in and grab what you need in life, even if you're unsure of what lies in the depths of the darkness. It may be scary, but it will always be worth it. And always....I mean always clean your vagina before every party....

I'm out!

Always,

Your girl Timmery

#cooking #wtf #holidays