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"Mad Girl Diaries" - I'm Still A Woman

Timmery E. Turner
Feb 11, 2012
3 min read

Once again I return to my favorite subject: Men. I can't help it. Men are my kryptonite, my crack cocaine.....my favorite pair of stilettos. Only this time I've got a bit of a bone to pick, partly with myself. I know you will all be shocked and disappointed to hear this, but I am not perfect. Gasp! I know.....it's devastating! ;) Somewhere along the way I began to align myself up with men in a very competitive manner. I very well understand that this partially due to the nature of who I am. My mother is very independent, so it's only natural for her to have independent and strong willed offspring. However, I'm quite certain the exact moment that this paradigm shift began for me. It was the moment I lost my virginity. I wanted to be void of all female emotion because it made me feel week and powerless. I became aware of the lack of caring that men could have when it came to sex and relationships. I decided to adopt those same mannerisms, partially, as a protective shield and partially out of sheer fun and rebellion. It wasn't until my early twenties where the rest of the transformation occurred. It was then that I decided I wanted to be athletically advanced and skilled and things that men were more popular for doing, so I could hang physically and mentally with any male counterpart. Plus I enjoyed the looks on their faces when they discovered I owned my own company, I could mix and record an album, make an occasional 3 point shot, accompany them to the driving range, out run them (the chubby ones), talk about sex as if I were one of the guys, or I really didn't suck as bad as I perceived to at pool. All the while remaining a sexy, feminine, and desirable woman that they could wait to get their hands on. Penis envy? More like massive love for the penis so I had to find a way to be around it at all times and match it head to head....no pun intended.

But my incredibly desire be able to hang with men has become a double edge sword. I find that I've set myself a part in way that makes me seem unattainable, too ambitious, or come across as too wild for most men to handle or maybe that's my own delusional perception, but probably not. I find that the majority of men find me entertaining, compelling, fuckable, but too scary for anything beyond. It could have something to do with the fact that I choose the wrong men. Maybe I'm reaching at the bottom of the barrel not realizing my own self worth, or maybe I just haven't met my match yet. Either way, this is what all men need to know about me, though, I seem tough on the exterior, and I may come across as uncaring, and I can trash talk with the best of them.....I'm still a woman. I may not be your run of the mill woman. I'm loud. I'm fearless. I say what's on my mind. I cuss. I take charge. I go after what I want. I'm aggressive. I'm ambitious, but I'm still a woman. I still wouldn't mind a shoulder to cry on. I still wouldn't mind being rescued on a occasion. I still wouldn't mind feeling protected. I still wouldn't mind being told I was beautiful every day. I still wouldn't mind my hand being held. I still wouldn't mind hearing, "I love you." I still wouldn't mind putting my guard down for you. I still wouldn't mind building you up. I still wouldn't mind baring your children. I still wouldn't mind being on your side. I still wouldn't mind your loyalty. I still wouldn't mind your promise. I still don't mind being a woman. I am still a woman. With Love, Timmery (exoh)