"Mad Girl Diaries" - Date Me, Rape Me? Hopefully, none of the above.
- timmery
- May 11, 2012
- 3 min read
Within the last month I Grinded hard for a gay man, hoped for someone to Badoo me, caught Plenty of Scary Fish, ran hard and fast away from Average Cupid’s arrow, and was Jazzed.commed on. While being on the road with the Sugar Does America Tour there are many hours spent sitting in our incredibly tight spaced tour van with 4 vaginas and a giant mangina. Hormones are often raging and boredom and stir craziness sets in rather quickly. Especially for 5 whacky brained sexually driven individuals. This is how my obsession for dating apps was born. I’ve never been too fond of the whole dating site scenario. Mainly due to the fact that I have no problems meeting men or convincing them to pretend to be my boyfriend until we both get bored of each other and are ready for something new. However, I was recently introduced to Grindr, which is basically a gay boy GPS. It’s an app that shows where every gay man in the city is located. I discovered the pure joy of this app when I opened my heart to my young Sugar prodigy when he lost his phone after a usual drunken evening. He was sad about losing his phone and wanted to track and hunt down some very expecting prey, so I let him borrow my phone to get the dirty job done. I became immediately obsessed with this phenomena of man tracking and instant gratification, so I began Grinding as him when he was not around. Having men at my fingertips who were ready and willing was too exciting and intoxicating for my man loving self. Only problem was when I revealed myself to be a woman and sent them sexy pictures they were highly unimpressed for some reason. Their lack of interest in my beauty was making me bored, so I decided I needed to find a GPS for straight men and leave the gay men to play with the gay men.
This is when the Krust Monster, the Sugar casting director (I’ll explain the nickname in a later piece), introduced me to Badoo. It seemed to be the straight version of Grindr. It was like a man catalogue. I was able to press Yes or No depending on my interest level of the man at bay. The Nos would disappear into ugly man purgatory and the Yeses I was able to communicate with on a deeper level….through IM. It’s very intimate. We immediately named ‘Yes’ men ‘Badoo Mes’ and ‘No’ men ‘Badon’ts’. After finding very few acceptably attractive semi interesting men to talk to I found a man that finally caught my attention visually and mentally. We immediately exchanged phone numbers and began texting or talking on the phone daily, and making plans to meet when our tour got to the East Coast. I would go back and review his photos daily to be sure he was not a fug in disguise. I began to have doubts about his looks, so I suggested that we have a Skype date. This is how I discovered I was talking to a troll, and this was the moment I decided to move on to Plenty of Fish.
Plenty of Fish was very thrilling at first. I was getting messaged constantly and some of the men were actually sexy, intelligent and successful! I could hardly keep up with the attention I was getting, which is what caused my Plenty O Fish burn out and exhaustion. How many times can a girl explain herself and listen to bullshit lines about how amazing I am. Though, these things are true….I am pretty amazing, but geezus! This is when I switched it up to Okay Stupid….I mean Cupid. I lasted about a half a day on that site when I realized everyone was trying to make me their wife or their Queen. What happened to good old….let’s just hang out, laugh, possibly go home, fuck, and call it a day?
This was my lesson: I think I want a man, but when they’re all standing before me I would prefer if they all kicked rocks. If something were to happen I would like for it to happen naturally, and I really don’t want to work that hard to be in a relationship. My fingers hurt from having pointless IM conversations with so many mediocre men, and my eyes hurt from looking at even more unattractive men. Keep it moving Timmery, your dude will find you or…… he won’t and I’ll be okay with that because I have enough fun on my own! ;)
With love, Timmery
Copyright © 2012 Timmery E. Turner
